Sunday, May 30, 2010

Nota Bene

Have I ever mentioned I legitimately invented a sandwich? I used to work with this guy that deep fried PB&J's on plain old Wonderbread and I suggested that instead, he should use sourdough, Nutella, banana slices and shredded coconut, with a sprinkling of powdered sugar on top. He now sells those at state fairs and makes more money than I do. If I never accomplish anything else in my life (and that is increasingly likely), I want you to put this shit in my obituary.

Friday, May 28, 2010


Allow me to use this public forum to admit that not only have I considered, but also researched, the kinds of panic disorders and associated symptoms one would need to present to a physician in order to qualify for a service dog I could take with me everywhere and against whom no landlord could legally discriminate. My dogschmerz is so piqued these days.

Don't even start. I know.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Funniest Conversation I've Ever Overheard Teenage Boys Having About Me At My Job

Boy #1: That girl is bad.
Boy #2 (misunderstanding): No, she's not, she's white.
Boy #1: I didn't call her black, fool. I said she was bad.
Boy #2: Who, Sam? That's disgusting, man.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Hero of the Week

Recently, one of the local high schools has instituted a new punitive homework policy, which basically amounts to a lunchroom detention with a snazzy new acronym: Z.A.P. I don't know what it stands for and we all know it doesn't matter.

So, one of my students, a 10th grader I've known since she was in middle school recently lost her mom after a long illness. Very recently. She's dealing with it, but isn't it hard to ever take high school seriously much less after undergoing something as painful as that? I was talking with her yesterday and she told me how she got into some trouble this week for the following exchange as she was walking to lunch:

Administrator: "Did you do your homework? Don't get ZAPPED!"
Student, scowling: "Oh, go to hell."

Student, I salute you.