Things For Which My Dad and I Have Very Disparate Levels of Tolerance

The proximity of fly swatters to where we're eating

Highway driving speeds

Fox News

Allow Thora Birch's Face to Convey in Moments How I Felt Throughout Four Years of High School

Oh, Let's Dance Slow

Truth

People who choose to stay home on a Saturday night watching Jules and Jim deserve all the melancholy that's coming to them.

Compliments I've Received At My Job

Best Compliment: "You look like a regular person Angelina Jolie." -12 year old girl

Worst Compliment: "Wow, you sure can lift heavy things! You'd be just the kind of sturdy woman that would be great at missionary work." - Middle aged man

Ickey Shuffle: A Critical Response

I'm revving up to go home and I thought I should do some research. It's been awhile. Maybe things have changed, you know? I watched this video in preparation over seven times in toto and I have some thoughts.

1. If your intention is to start a dance craze, at some point (and probably early on), you should demonstrate the dance. People like to participate.

2. Lightning Effect should be used sparingly.

3.The guy in the white is a better rapper than the main guy. Don't get excited. That's a relative compliment. It's like comparing two grocery carts. I mean, I'm not really excited about either one, but I'll take the one without the bad wheel.

4.The white lady making duck face and throwing deuces should be used sparingly. Even more so than Lightning Effect. This is important.

5. The best part of this video is the little girl that dances into the frame around the minute thirty mark.

6. The worst part of this video is every other moment.

Editorial Hairshirt

I just realized I've had a word misspelled on the homepage of this blog for over a year. I hate myself a little. I'm sorry to all my readers if my mistake caused you in any way to doubt this blog's editorial integrity. Just kidding. There's actually very little integrity. Mea culpa, dudes.

Shouts, Murmurs, Side Eyes

Nobody makes more compelling cultural observations than children. Having spent 8 weeks with 80+ kids every moment of my work day (and actually eating lunch with one arm protectively draped over my food, the little thieves), I say you can keep your Dick Gregory, because nobody keeps it honest or chock full of potentially offensive non-sequiturs like them. Here's some of the choicer samples:

Scene: Two bi-racial children talking to one another quietly about being bi-racial.
Boy: "You know what's weird?"
Girl: "What?"
Boy: "That your mom's black."
Girl: "Wait....why is that weird?"
Boy: "Seriously?"

................................................................
Little boy:"Sam.....Sam....Sam....Sam"
Me: "Yep?"
LB: "Do you want me to teach you how to say 'I love you' in Filipino?"
Me: "Shoot"
LB: "Te amo mucho."
Me: "....um....I'm not sure tha-...ok, cool!"
LB: "Do you wanna learn the word for food?"
Me: "Very much."
LB: "Chicken Adobo"
Me: ".........okay, thanks."

Next day:
LB: "Sam! I got it wrong! The word for 'love' is 'mahal'!"
Me: "Sweet! Thanks for letting me know."
LB: "Do you want to know who mahals you?"
Me: "......you?"
LB: "No! I don't love you!!!!!JEEEEEEEEEESUS! It's Jesus that loves you!"
Me: "My bad."
.............................................................

Scene: Little boy wearing his t-shirt over his face and hiding in a corner.
Me: "What are you doing, man?"
Boy: "Hiding from Nick."
Me: "Why, sweetie?"
Boy: "Because I'm a NINJA!"
Me: "Ok, well that makes sense."
Boy: "And because Nick's Mexican!"
Me: "Wait, back it up. What?"
Boy: "Only Mexicans can detect ninjaaaaaaas!"
Nick (from around the corner): "It's true."
Me: "OK, sounds good."